My terrible, horrible, no good, very bad trip to Target

I went to Target tonight. It's usually my happy place. Tonight was a different story.

I was already in a bad mood because one of my offspring made a boneheaded decision. Do they have military schools in Australia? But nothing like a little retail therapy to fix a bad mood, right?

Well, I needed to pick up some prescriptions from the pharmacy. The pharmacy that is located in such tight quarters that I am certain  whoever planned the layout of this Target store has never actually maneuvered a grocery-laden cart through barely wide enough aisles. I started to turn down one aisle...jam-packed with people. So I made the turn into the next aisle. There was some guy in scrubs looking at pain relievers. Dude, can't you get those at work?

"Excuse me," I said. He barely looked up and mumbled something, which I'm guessing was "no," because he and his cart stood there, taking their half out of the middle of the aisle. "Excuse me," I said again, this time not waiting for him to move and just forging ahead. He got the idea and inched his cart over, though still not far enough for both of our carts to fit. "He's probably related to the guy who designed the pharmacy," I thought while lifting my cart's wheels past his.

I finally made it the pharmacy and asked for my waiting prescriptions. The pharmacist found them, rang them up and said "That will be $721."

"What the?!" The ridiculous total was enough to make me sick. So I picked up two of the five prescriptions, told him I'd be back after payday and made a mental note to call the insurance company to see a.) if there are any cheaper options they will actually pay for, b.) how close I am to meeting our deductible, and c.) see how much drugs cost in Australia.

Did I mention that Robbie was with me? And he was intent on finding stuff to put in his locker? He was excited at the prospect of buying something for him, so he was dancing in the aisles, touching every box and bag in front of him and generally stomping on my last nerve, even though he was really doing nothing wrong.

Then we had to buy stuff to pack in the lunch boxes. So, I pulled out my phone and started adding items to my Target Cartwheel savings app as I dropped them into my cart. And then, my phone died. There went my instant saving and my Target mobile coupons. Argh.

They were out of the flavor variety the kids like in the multipack of chips. Of course; by this point I was feeling like I'd been singled out for persecution. I was so frustrated that I didn't even bother to look at the prices of what I put in the cart. Budget be damned.

Peanut butter, applesauce, chips and carrots finally acquired, we headed to the school supply section. For the love of all that is holy, I KNOW better than this. I KNOW that the school supply section is the WORST place to be right before school starts. It's a collection of frantic mothers, impatient children, and shell-shocked Target employees trying to keep the shelves stocked.

And yet, for some inexplicable reason, there I was, pushing my cart down aisles (wider than the pharmacy, thank you Jesus!) full of things that will make for a successful year at school. I found the "locker decor" section. Did you know they sell shag carpets and chandeliers for lockers? Because Mitzi's science book will be so much more bearable if it's surrounded by modern touches of wastes of money.

Robbie didn't find what he was looking for; I'm not sure he knew what he was looking for other than "cool stuff for my locker." So we headed for the check out, where the lady in front of me apparently was taking her Sunday drive in the Target check out on a Wednesday afternoon.

"Do you have any coupons or gift cards today?" the cashier asked me when it was finally my turn. I told her my dead phone tale of woe. She commiserated. I told her about my $700 pharmacy bill. She was sympathetic. When she rang up my York peppermint patty, she didn't even ask if I wanted it in the bag or with me. She just handed it to me because she knew nights like this one called for chocolate ASAP.

That cashier was the bright spot in my trip to Target and I headed for the exit feeling slightly better.

Until I got to the parking lot and realized I had no idea where I'd parked. It might be in Australia.

Late night thoughts on grocery shopping on Christmas Eve eve

Almost the last thing I wanted to do at 10:30pm was go to the grocery store. But it was December 23, Christmas Eve eve, and I was bound and determined to lay in the supplies for Christmas day before Christmas Eve.

It had already been an expensive day. New brake pads (4 of them) on the van, an oil change for Annie's car, the last of the Christmas gift purchases -- all of which were more or less planned for -- and then the totally unexpected need to replace Annie's one and only pair of eyeglasses when they accidentally broke in a moment of horseplay with Charlie. So I was determined to spend wisely on this trip.

That meant I sat down ahead of time to update my Target Cartwheel and match up coupons to as many things as I could. By the time I hit the Target parking lot, it was 10:30pm. Here is what went through my head:

1. Thank God Target is open until midnight tonight. 
2. Stick to the list, Amy. Stick to the li--ooh! Gingerbread houses (Note: Restraint was victorious)
3. Oh, we do need bananas. And ketchup. (Victory short-lived)
4. 5 people with two weeks home for Christmas break? This is gonna be expensive.
5. Merry Christmas to me -- I'm buying the pre-made veggie tray instead of making it myself. (For the record, I was going to clean, chop and assemble it myself, but the only celery I could find was a seen-better-days package of organic celery. You can't have a proper veggie tray without celery.)
6. Wow. The key to shopping on Christmas Eve eve is coming late at night. There's practically no one here. 
7. I'm not buying hot dogs. Robbie will eat 5 in a day and then they will be gone.
8. So many 2 for $5 deals. Did I mention this is gonna be expensive.
9. I will buy one bag of "good" bagels and one bag of Market Pantry bagels.
10. Ding! Ding! Ding! Doing the happy dance here! Spiral sliced ham for $1.99/pound, minus $1 per pound with my coupon, minus 10% on the Cartwheel, minus 10% for the Red Card + Rx Rewards = spiral sliced ham for about 80 cents a pound! Let's buy two!
11. Yes! The last box of sugar cookie cutouts. Bake and decorate. Perfect! I wonder if that's on the Cartwheel?
12. Crappy cereal as Christmas gifts...brilliant! 
13. Seriously, all the hash browns are gone? Yes, I could make my own, but it's Christmas. See #5.
14. Chocolate chip peppermint slice & bake cookies?! That must have been what Beth did for her party.
15. Don't forget the dog food.
16. Orange juice. Better write "do not drink" on this when I get home or it will be gone before Christmas morning.
17. Can beef jerky be a stocking stuffer? 
18. Almost finished. Just need to find the hashbrowns, oh! and batteries. Duracell 9 volt. I have a coupon for that.
19. Why are batteries so flipping expensive? 
20. Where did all these people come from and why are there only 2 checkout lanes open?
21. Coupons, Passbook, Cartwheel, pharmacy rewards, Red Card. It's like a game.
22. I win! Took $50 off my total. 
23. It really might be easier to push this cart home than unload it into the van only to unload it from the van to the kitchen. 
24. Where are my keys? And my phone? Maybe shopping while exhausted isn't a great idea.
25. Midnight. Whew. Closed down the store. I sure hope that someone is awake at home to help me carry all these in and put them away.
26. I am DONE. I will not set foot into a store until sometime next week...oh crap. Forgot I need one quick thing at Walgreen's. I'll make Mike go. 
27. Bet this might make a good blog post.

This post made possible by Target

I've had the pics for this post for several weeks. I just needed to find the right time to use them. Today, the Queen of Free gave me that nudge when I read her Grocery Store Commandments. I am a frequent violator of #6: Thou Shalt Not Shop for Leisure.  Trips to Target or Walmart should not be a hobby. 

Are you kidding me? Tell me that a trip to Target by yourself isn't almost as good as a mini-vacation? Especially if I go by myself at night, Target is the perfect place to aimlessly wander the aisles just to see what's there and to avoid having to pull bedtime duty at home.

Which is exactly what I did a few weeks ago. As if that wasn't fun enough, I pulled out my trusty cell phone camera and snapped pics of things that I thought were noteworthy:

I guess the silly band craze is over. A bazillion silly bands on clearance. 

Boy, don't those people who paid $4.99 a package feel dumb now?

Proof that my husband is not the only nerd out there. What says "Happy Father's Day" better than a verbal duel between Captains Kirk and Picard?

I wonder if my grandma knows Target pulled a Julie Andrews 

and cut up her curtains to make dresses?

New nail polish intended to keep you awake if you've stayed up blogging to late. Hello bright colors!

The package says "real construction." Except it's not real wood. Plastic "wood-like product" to be cut with a plastic saw. Time to let the boy out of the plastic bubble, people.

Wrong-way stripes, why do you tempt me so? I love you, but you don't love me back.

What's the best/worst/strangest thing you've seen a Target (or a similar store) lately?

ToT for Unicef and a not so charitable Top 5 list

The folks over at UNICEF have figured out a way to combine old-fashioned charity -- trick-or-treating for UNICEF -- with new-fangled technology -- text messaging.

You can "text or treat" for UNICEF by texting the word “TOT” to 864233 (UNICEF) to make a $5 donation and help UNICEF save kids’ lives. The $5 is charged one time to your mobile phone bill.

Click here for more info.

Now on the not so charitable front, keep reading...

Top 5 candies I will definitely steal from my kids' ToT loot:

1. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
2. Vanilla Tootsie Rolls
3. Chocolate Tootsie Rolls
4. Snickers
5. M&Ms

Then, once I'm done sneaking what I want, I'll let them keep 30 pieces of candy and will buy back the rest for a $5 gift Target gift card. That way, I don't have 500 pieces of candy begging me to eat it and the kids don't have 500 pieces of candy rotting their teeth.

They don't love the idea, but I feel like the $5 gift card is a good exchange. Of course, when I take them to Target to spend their gift cards, they'll probably want to buy candy.

What the cell?!

Twice this week, I witnessed incidents involving cell phones that left me quite judgemental of the parties involved.

The first was at the neighborhood pool. A mother arrived with her two daughters, the oldest of whom is going into the 6th grade. There was nothing remarkable about the situation, though I did notice that while the girls were swimming, the mom went off into the corner with her cell phone and had a lengthy conversation.

When the conversation was over, she called to her oldest daughter and proceeded to tell her that she'd gone nearly 100 text messages over her allotted 1,000 text messages for the month and that the billing cycle was still more than 2 weeks away.

The daughter was alternately defensive and contrite. Mom said, "you'll have to pay me for those extra messages." (A sum of less than $10.) Then, went on to say, "I owed you $10 for blah blah blah, so we're even." Which, while mathematically correct, doesn't in my mind equate to a lesson learned for young daughter.

Mom then proceeded to tell the daughter that she had arranged to increase the daughter's text message allotment to 1,500 messages per month.

What the cell?!

Nice consequence Mom. How long do you think it will take her to use 1,700 minutes and expect Mommy to up her limit to 2,000? Never mind that this is an 11-year-old girl we are talking about. I have yet to hear a convincing story of why an 11-year-old child needs to have a cell phone. And, being the parent of my own 11-year-old, I've heard a myriad of weak reasons for why "I NEED a cell phone, Mom!"

The second incident occurred at Target, though it could have happened just about anywhere these days. Man checking out, wearing a blue tooth and yapping on it the entire time he was in the check out.

I hate those blue tooth things. Much too Star Trekkian for my tastes. Plus, I can never tell if the lady in the cereal aisle is talking to me or to the invisible woman in her ear.

So many people have lost the art of offering common courtesy. Is it too much to say "hello" to the cashier? Or even "how's your day going?" Very few people like to be treated as though they are invisible. But that's exactly what this man distracted by his self-important phone call did to the cashier.

I wonder what was so important that this man could not offer to return the call or even let it roll to voicemail. I wonder if he gave it a thought later? I wonder if it bothered the cashier, or if she has grown used to that kind of un-greeting?

In short, I was left wondering "What the cell?!"